I got my first kiss in kindergarten. Nothing special, really. A quick peck behind the school, in the woods where we weren't supposed to go but did anyway. Still, it wasn't really a girlfriend. But that was the closest thing I'd had to a girlfriend in my elementary school days. And my junior high days. And high school. And college. I was legally drinking before I had my first serious girlfriend, and while I've been spared the heartache of teenage romance gone wrong, I actually wish I hadn't. All those fun and silly things associated with it, like being teased by friends on the playground. Oh, I was teased, a lot, even for having a crush on a certain girl, but not for being any girl's boyfriend. Not even ribbing from my friends. Never played Spin The Bottle, never been to a make-out party while the host's parents were gone for the night or weekend. Never been in the closet with a girl for those Seven Minutes In Heaven. Never held hands while walking in the hallway between classes. No chasing after her while she giggles. Shit, I never even went to either of my proms. And at school dances, I had a total of TWO dances with girls, both of whom were friends of mine (though one I admit I had a major crush on).
Maybe I have no one to blame but myself for that. Whatever, not the point. My shyness really isn't the topic of discussion. And may not even be completely to blame either. Whatever. The point is, I feel like I've missed out on so much. Even things I didn't think I'd miss, it turns out I do. I see younger Facebook friends calling and being called "Boo" by their significant others. As silly as it is, I wish that could have been a part of my life.
And now that I have The One for me, I'm too old, too "grown-up" for that stuff. It sounds silly to call her "Boo", besides which she has a cat named "Boo." Can't really play spin the bottle with only one possible outcome, and besides which, what if the bottle isn't pointing to her? We're too old for Truth Or Dare. And is it worth going into the closet for those seven minutes when the only people outside the door tittering at what's going on in there are her family members? Methinks not. Walking hand-in-hand through Metrotown isn't the same as the school hallways where you actually KNOW the people who see you two together. And the friends who do kid me are good natured about it, but it's not like there's an element of sacrifice there, since my time with her isn't cutting into my time with them.
In some ways, it's nice, because in her case, she didn't have a lot of that either. So in some ways, we're like two little kids, growing up and loving up together. So I'm glad I have her for that, that we can experience that stuff for the first time together. But still I can't help but feel like it's all ersatz, like there's no substitution for the real high school romance experience. And any attempts to incorporate some of that in our experiences (outside the bedroom, you gutter-minds) is just going to appear and feel something like mid-life crisis and trying to recapture youth.
They say the past makes you who you are. Still, I can't help but wonder if I'd have ended up that much different if I had at least experienced some of those things. Besides which, sometimes the only thing I like about myself is that I have her. So screw you, Past. I don't care if I am all the more willing to uproot my life and get the fuck as far away from familiarity as possible because of you, you still fucking suck.
Still trying to get in touch with the inner child, in a good way if possible.
Sorry to those who read this. I didn't really mean to sound as bitter as I probably do. And to The One I refer to, I just hope you realize more and more how lucky I truly am to have you. I love you very much.