Recapping 2019.

So I've toyed with the idea a few times.  But I thought it might be nice to do a recap on the year that was 2019.  We're over halfway done with this dumpster fire that is Donald Trump's (first and hopefully last) term in office, which means of course, there is so much going on with the race to supplant him on the Democratic side.  Brexit may or may not be happening after all.  And just today, insurgents are storming the American embassy in Baghdad. 

It certainly seems like bad news all around.  The world going to hell in a hand basket.  But that's also been the way of the news at least as long as any of us have been alive.  "If it bleeds, it leads" has been an axiom at least as long as I was a student of the media.  There have been positive, heartwarming stories too.  I don't recall any of them of course, other than maybe Greta Thunberg being named "Person Of The Year" by TIME magazine, especially when there have been so many worse people who've either had the spotlight during this year, or continued to be a huge part of the news cycle throughout the year.  Seriously, whether you believe in climate change, it's at least good to acknowledge those who are trying to encourage better stewardship of our Lord's creation.

But I'm not trying to fill this post with political ramblings.  This post is really meant to be more narcissistic than that.  What have been my highlights and low points?  I went back through my Facebook feed to refresh my memory of this year, and you know what?  That was pointless.  It appears I really do just use Facebook for entirely vapid purposes.  And to share pictures of Mickey.  Tidbits and witticisms throughout the year, shared memes, and hopefully an occasional philosophical nugget.  But yeah, pretty depressing to go back through your Facebook feed throughout the year and see how meaningless your life really is.  And now I'm depressing myself.  The point is, even if you followed my Facebook feed diligently, you might still not know things going on in my life, because I don't feel like I'm able to share more intimate bits about myself on social media.  I can't share my faith because I have so many atheist and agnostic friends, I can't share my politics as much as I'd like because I have conservative friends and family members, and I'm nowhere near as liberal as the rest of my friends, either.  Until Trump sewed up the primary, most political pundits would have identified me as either moderate or slightly conservative.  I really don't watch many of the current TV programs because they don't interest me, and I'm past the age of paying attention to new music, though once in awhile I make an effort to try.  I don't have the time or energy to stay up on the world of cinema anymore either, those I did see Avengers: Endgame, and the Spider-Man movie after that, as well as a few others.  I'm really trying hard not to become one of those people who live in the past and make their entire Facebook feed shared memes from various nostalgia pages.  No kidding, folks, that's annoying.  People who live in the past do so because they have no future to look forward to.  But I'm meandering down rabbit trails again

So, with no holds barred, here are some of the peaks and valleys regarding my life this year.  I've tried to be chronological, but I'm sure it's not quite accurate.

In January, I was still fuming and grumpy about still being an RCA--Rural Carrier Associate.  A sub.  Yeah, I shot myself in the foot on that one back in 2018, but that doesn't mean I can't still scream in pain and be mad about it.  Because of the holiday season, they held off putting the route up for bids again, and I had to wait.  Finally, in January, it went up for bids.  I bid on it, was the winning bidder.  And then I had to wait while management gave me the runaround about when I was officially a regular carrier.  They were trying to get a couple weeks out of me without me being the regular, and I wasn't having it.  So, I finished the month delivering on my primary route, out on the Lummi reservation.

February 2, 2019.  I'm officially a regular carrier.  I have my own route.  And on my first day, I have a new hire shadowing me.  I'm already getting a primary sub!  Woohoo!  The day went okay; I found out that being a local product, she knew several people who live on my new route.  Sadly, she didn't remain my sub very long.  Management thought she was struggling a bit too much, and that my route was too hard for her, so they put her on another route.  Soon thereafter, she quit due to managerial harassment.  Nothing actionable, but that's the best word I could come up with for it.

Sadly, the joy of making regular did not last terribly long as tragedy struck my family.  My cousin Daniel died about a week or so later of a heart attack.  He worked at a local hospital, had a heart attack right on the job, and couldn't be revived.  He's the first of our generation of the family to die.  It was a shock, to be certain.  I really don't have much else to say that hasn't been said already about it, so I'll move on. 

After becoming a regular, I finally decided to settle down and officially become of a member of the church I'd been attending for some time.  I'd held off because as a sub, I was subject to working Amazon Sundays, and I wanted to be sure that phase was over before officially joining that church.  Slight hitch: my membership from my previous church could not be transferred.  That's because my previous membership had been with a church in East Lansing.  Back in Michigan.  I'd been living in Washington state for seven and a half years now, and it took all that time to find a church that I was comfortable actually transferring my membership to.  Part of that had to do with my expecting to marry and settle down with my then-girlfriend sooner rather than never, and that church would have been a mutual agreement between the two of us based on where we ended up living together.  Well, after breaking up with her in 2016, that was no longer a consideration.  And I'll say this right now: "shopping" for a church SUCKS!  It sucks so much harder when you're a single, adult male with no kids.  I tried attending one of the bigger non-denominational churches for awhile.  I wasn't happy there, though.  First off, I don't like "praise concert" worship services, where they just sing a bunch of upbeat, modern, artistically fallow praise songs, and have a 20-minute keynote address from the preacher.  I just never got a "spiritual high" from that environment.  But I wanted to make it work.  Because socially speaking, that's where I fit in.  That was the church single adults went to, it seemed.  I even tried plugging into the small groups' scene there.  I attended an informational session there, about the groups in the church that were forming.  I was frustrated and disappointed when I found out the majority of the new groups were either for newly married couples, single moms, or just women period.  There was only one group for men, but I didn't like the approach they were taking, and besides which, I didn't want to be in a "men only" group.  Why does the church have to suck so badly at being a place where couples can form?  Y'all want more babies in your church, but you won't do a darn thing to help initiate or facilitate that process.  Methinks the local churches really need a crash course in preaching Song Of Solomon again.  But I'm getting off-track.  I found a small group that was open to everyone, where I ended up being the only uncoupled person (of course), but I left that church because in addition to hating the worship format, I also took exception to their theology on baptism.  I firmly believe in infant baptism, and nobody is going to tell me my baptism as a helpless baby is meaningless or heretical. 

So I kept worshipping at a church in the denomination I grew up in, and decided to finally become a member, but my membership in the church in East Lansing lapsed several years ago.  So, I had to meet with the elders of this church, give them my faith story (seriously, I hate sharing my faith story, because it's the most boring, white bread, milquetoast faith story EVER!), and be approved by the council.  Which happened.  So, I now officially have my membership in a church again, where I am an active member.

And active is right!  Shortly after being made an official member, I was recommended for the office of deacon in the church.  There ended up being three candidates and two positions to fill.  So, one candidate would miss out.  Our church does the casting of lots, and neither lot fell to me.  I was not to be a deacon.  It was a little saddening, but overall, I'm not upset about it so much as I am crestfallen.  Back in East Lansing, I was searching so hard in some way to be an active member of the church there, to be more than just a seat filler, but every door shut in my face.  This felt like the vicious cycle beginning anew.

In the meanwhile, with my hobby of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, they had a great ceremony, inducting seven acts: the Cure, Def Leppard, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, Radiohead, Roxy Music, and the Zombies.  Both Janet and Stevie encouraged the Hall to induct more women.  The call to induct more women became a huge rallying cry in the hobbyist community throughout the year.  What really helped kick it off was a fantastic piece by Evelyn McDonnell called "The Manhandling Of Rock 'N' Roll History," which is still an awesome read.  Evelyn would later appear on the "Who Cares About The Rock Hall?" podcast to talk about the underrepresentation of women in that institution, wherein she uttered a definition of rock and roll that I thought for absolute certain would be the highlight of my entire year.  She was lamenting a little bit, and said rock and roll is not just "long-haired white guys wanking off with Les Pauls."  Still gold, and still very relevant, as this year's ballot has only three women on it.  It's still a problem, and the community of those who have made the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame their hobby, we're still largely scathing about it.  Even now, I would still place that quote as the second greatest thing that has happened to me this year.

Back on the work front, I got a new primary sub.  He had one ride-along with me, and then I never saw him again.  There's a rumor that he had an accident during his vehicle training, but it has never been confirmed.  In our union, I was unanimously elected chapter president again, which meant I'd be doing my "Goodwill Tour" of the post offices either in or tangentially connected to Whatcom County.  I did not go to the state convention this year, however.  When I returned from state convention last year, I came home to find Mickey had disappeared.  Thankfully, he turned up the next night, but that was a scary thirty or so hours for me, as I worried about him.  So, I decided I was staying home and keeping him company.  He's curled up and asleep on my bed right now. 

After not being chosen to serve as deacon in my church, another opportunity arose.  The Gideons had called up our pastor, asking if there were any men who might be a good fit for their ministries.  My pastor said that he basically prayed through the church directory and contacted the men whom he'd felt inclined to contact, and I was one of them.  I, on the other hand, did not feel such an inclination.  While I did pray about it, I didn't feel led towards enlisting in their numbers.

Back to the work life, I got a third primary sub.  This one... this one was a disaster.  Everyone kept saying she was like a female version of me, so we should get along great!  Now I have to wonder how well people actually know me.  I mean, people thought that because she likes to make jokes, and so do I, we must be the same person, practically!  Taking no account of different styles of humor, this was what people seemed to be thinking.  Giving no heed to introversion versus extroversion, we were lumped together.  Believe me, we are very, very different.  After a few disastrous days of her working with me, being in the vehicle with me, and struggling with basic concepts that include "follow the mail" and "don't call the person teaching you how to do your job names," I asked for her to be reassigned.  When they talked to her the next day, she chose to quit instead.  While it was a rough time, it was also a learning experience.  I thought I was a pretty patient person, most of the time, but this incident made it clear that I have some work to do in this area.  Also, I have to find new ways to teach.  Socratic method didn't work, letting her try to figure it out didn't work, and I wasn't going to keep giving her the answers every time because then she'd never learn for herself.  I'm actually considering becoming an On the Job Instructor.  Maybe this little incident means I shouldn't, but I'm not completely discouraged yet.

In the personal life aspect, I had a huge setback, in that a friend broke off contact with me.  She unfriended me on Facebook and threatened to block me.  It started as a joke about "calling demons to torment" her (the joke she made), and ended up in a fight over religion.  I tried to give her room, but what I could not and would not do was let her have a "safe space" to say everything hateful she had to say about God and His character, without rebuttal.  I couldn't do it.  I believe that there is simply no hiding place from the Kingdom's throne, and thus her slander could not go unchecked.  I tried to keep it from getting out of hand, but once she started unloading, I couldn't restrain myself either.  What started as a joke ended a friendship.  I wish the best for her, and I hope she's doing well.  Last time I saw her, she was dealing with a lot of problems, but I've given her space and don't know how she's doing now.

In the church life, I was asked to be part of two teams.  One was a short-lived committee to help determine the next direction to go in and books to study in the adult Sunday school curriculum.  I agreed to that one, and we've decided we really want to focus on the subject of prayer during the first half of next year.  After that, maybe something with evangelism, still not quite sure.  The other team I'd been asked to be a part of is the Vitality Team.  It's an ever-changing body with a revolving door of people on it, changing annually, to try to find ways to help our church grow and remain vital in the community.  We've had some ideas; they're meeting with a certain amount of resistance, both in terms of logistics and in terms of enthusiasm from the congregation for them.  Right now the only thing we have solid support for is reviewing and improving our church website, and possibly also welcoming brochures.  It doesn't seem like much, but we've also just started meeting.  We started in October, so we're really just getting underway.  I feel a little discouraged, as some of my ideas just keep getting put on the back burner, but there'll be time to discuss these ideas too.  There's still a lot of time left in this term of the Vitality Team.

Speaking of things just starting in October, the final piece of amazing news is that I have a girlfriend now.  I haven't changed my relationship status on Facebook yet, but we are officially calling ourselves "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."  Her name is Carol, and she currently lives in Mount Vernon, but it's so far out in the sticks, it's practically Clear Lake.  There's a spiritual spark between us.  We've been on a few dates, and basically are spending our Sunday afternoons together.  She and I are very different people, but so far, we're getting along amazingly, and are constantly smiling when we're together.  Where this will take us, I don't know, but I'm strapped in for the ride.

So that's my review of personal things in this past year.  Over the past summer, I lost fifty pounds, which is amazing.  I've since put ten back on, but I've managed to level off.  Maybe next year I can improve on that.  We'll see.  I intentionally omitted one piece of work-related news for reasons I do not feel I should disclose either.  But other than that, yeah.  I still have a darling fuzzy buddy to curl up with and help get me out of bed in the morning.  I have the same roommate as I had last year.  No new fights with any airb'n'bers.  Some conflict between the landlord and our neighbor, sadly.  Who knows how that will end, though?  All in all, though, it's been an okay year on the personal front.  2019 was probably a better year for me than 2018, but I'm hoping this next one will be even better.

Happy 2020 everyone.  Fuck Trump.

A visit from the neighbor's cat.

Tonight, I was sitting in my easy chair when I saw a four-footed creature come walking through the bathroom door.  Since this is how Mickey usually comes into the house, I assumed it was him.  The lighting in the hallway was rather dim, though, so I couldn't see him too clearly.  I called out, "Hey, buddy," and the usual things I say when trying to call him.  After he got into a little more clearly lit  part of the hallway, I clearly saw, this wasn't Mickey.  It was a different cat altogether.  This was a black cat.  He had just wandered in. 

I pet this new visitor and felt his body.  He was very thin, bony. His vertebrae were very high up off his ribs.  I was very worried for him.  I tried feeding him some of Mickey's dry food, but he didn't even eat a bite.  I tried feeding him some of Mickey's wet food.  He didn't touch that either.  I was worried.  I filled up a little dish with some water and offered it to him.  This time, he took some and drank.  I felt better about that.  I let Fergie out of my roommate's room to roam around a bit and see how she would react to our guest.  She didn't seem to mind his presence too much, but she didn't want to be friends with him either.  The black kitty sat on the steps leading up to our front door.  I sat down by him and pet him.  His purr was pretty good, which was saying something considering his meow sounded like a high-pitched quasi-"whoop" sound, like he was out of breath or something.  I did everything I could to make him comfortable, but I didn't know what else to do.  I really didn't think he was a stray, but I didn't know whose he might be.  Fortunately, my landlord came in to use the bathroom and met him.  At first, he wasn't sure either, but then he had a hunch that this cat belonged to the family on the other side of the backyard fence.  Sure enough, he was right.  With a little handling from me, we brought the cat back to his family.  It was then I found out that when I said, "Hey buddy!" I was right on the nose.  Buddy is in fact his name.  And sadly, I was right about his condition.  He is dying.  They said he hadn't eaten anything in a couple days, but they were glad to hear he'd taken some water.  As I gave him back and shook his paw, he was purring again.

I remember the whole time Buddy was in the house wondering what to do.  I didn't know he wasn't a stray, but it seemed unlikely.  What to make of his not eating?  His whooping meow?  What would happen if Mickey came in from the outside and decided he didn't like me petting and feeding another cat?  Would he stay the night?  So many questions I didn't have an answer to.  I do remember thinking I needed to check with either the landlord or my roommate to see if they recognized him.  I'm glad I didn't have to figure something out beyond that.  Buddy is home.

It's also sticking with me how his family reacted.  They knew he was dying, from old age, according to them.  They said Buddy is fourteen.  That gave me pause, because Mickey's already thirteen, and right now, showing no signs of slowing up.  I didn't know what else to say to that.  Old age, when he's only a year older than my cat.  It also shocked me that they'd pretty much given up on his returning.  They figured he'd just wander off to die, and they'd never see him again.  It's a scary thought for me because of how much I love Mickey, and for how much I prefer closure and don't like to assume.  I prefer to know.  Even though it is likely the way of cats to do so, I really hope that when his time comes, Mickey won't just wander off, leaving me to wonder where he went.  I hope he'll come to me and let me close his eyes and bury his body.  He'd probably want to spare me that.  I hope he doesn't.  We're a package deal, together to the end, and I would hope to know it's the end when that time comes.

I'm also reminded of the saying that kindness is never a wasted effort.  Even though he wouldn't eat the food, it gladdened the hearts of his family to know that Buddy drank some water, the most he'd ingested in a couple days.  Shaking his paw, hearing him purr, knowing he was happy, and the happiness when he was returned to his family, I guess it is true that the kindness wasn't futile after all.  I can't prevent death, probably didn't even stave it off a full hour, but no one asked me to do that either.  Some water for a suffering animal may be all that's required of me in this instant.

And if I may anthropomorphise Buddy for a moment, I might conjecture that feeling like he's not long for this world, he decided to take a chance and go somewhere new, satisfy one last curious itch, and see what was in that window, and in doing so, made one more friend.  Maybe we should all live that way.

Don't know if I'll see Buddy again, but as I type this, there's a little buddy sitting on the arm of my chair, wanting some love and attention. 

And that's tonight's discourse in philosophy.

Thoughts on death

Hey!  What happened to 2018?  I don't wanna talk about it, but between personal and professional setbacks, we've ignored it.  Call it suppression.  I dunno.

So, last week a cousin of mine died at the age of 40.  For all we knew, he was in good health.  I'm not gonna rehash what I've said in memorial to him on Facebook, but I still feel like there's something I've got to talk about.  What, I'm not sure.  But I know I want to blather a bit about the subject of death.

I don't want to double down on the importance of telling loved ones you love them.  It's something I've been working on doing, and it's not where my mind is wandering right now either.  But yes, tell your loved ones you love them.  Actually use the "L" word, folks.

As I type this, I've just finished talking to my parents.  I try to talk to them every week, usually on Sunday.  With the cousin's passing this past week, at such a young age, it prompted my parents to talk to me about the importance of making a will, naming a power of attorney, having enough life insurance.  My sister has also in the past posted adamantly about having life insurance to not burden loved ones financially.  I have nothing to say against that, so I really don't want to dwell on that.

The subject of a will though. that's an interesting thought.  My cousin didn't have one that we know of, and now the handling of his estate is rather kittywhompus, to say the least.  His parents are divorced, so that makes things even more fun.  My parents asked me if I've put any thought into making one.  Thought?  Yes.  Commitment to it?  Eh.  I once wrote some thoughts down once on some paper.  I had this eerie feeling once, and I wrote something down, but in the days afterward, that feeling passed, and I chucked that scratch paper.  Wouldn't have been legally binding anyway.  I told my parents, as I looked around my room, that I didn't think I had much that anyone would want anyway.  My dad liked that I had that attitude.  He volunteers for a secondhand store similar to Goodwill, and told me that so much of what comes in is stuff that none of the surviving family members wanted, and just wanted to unload, so that store gets them.  So to realize that so much of what I have is pretty worthless to most people is a healthy way to think about it.  I know that I kinda wanna bequeath some of my CD's to particular co-workers, as gag gifts from beyond the grave, so they always think of me, but would I really do that?  I dunno.  It makes me smirk to think about it though.

But the thing about the will that really sticks in my brain right now is that it really serves to illustrate how disconnected I am to the area I live in and to the people.  Over the holidays, I got called in to report for jury duty.  I was dismissed from the trial, but that's the closest I've been to making connections to anyone in the legal field, in this area.  I also haven't really found a financial adviser about handling my stock portfolio (pithy as it is), and even getting a local insurance agent was a mad scramble because my previous company didn't provide coverage in Washington state, for whatever reason.  So shopping for agents of this nature is outside of both my ken and my comfort zone.  I don't know any lawyers out here, and I don't even know how to go about shopping for a lawyer.  What kinds of things should we agree on that will tell me this is the person I want to handle my legal matters, should my time come sooner rather than later?  Same thing for financial advisers!  What should I be looking for?  I have no clue where to even start.

And that brings me to power of attorney, executor, and things of that nature.  Those, at least intuitively, are things I think should be granted to someone whose perspectives and beliefs are at least somewhat similar to mine.  And holy cow, does THAT rule out a lot of my friends, possibly the majority.  Most of my strongest friendships have arisen out of my latent journeys in life to love and try to at least understand people with wildly different points-of-view than mine. I'm not saying I couldn't trust my atheist friends to arrange a Christian funeral for me, but it would be a greater comfort for me to have that mantle placed on someone who thought like me more often than not, and would know exactly what I would want for myself if I didn't make it abundantly clear beforehand.  That's especially true when it comes to power of attorney.  If I'm in a persistent vegetative state, I want to be kept alive until even the most expert of medical skills surrender to the will of the Almighty Father, but who reading this would have known that if I didn't say it just now?  Or that I wish to be buried and NOT cremated?  I love my friends dearly, and I trust them to have their hearts in the right place to do what I would want, but in this instance, I think it's better to have someone whose thought patterns align more closely with mine. 

So between my cousin's death, and my finally achieving full-time employment (oh yeah, that happened, hurray!), I've got a lot of decisions to make soon regarding things that are HIGHLY specialized and that I'm not smart or trained enough to navigate alone.  When I first felt compelled to type about all this, I never figured that by the time I got to this paragraph that the big takeaway life lesson here is how much more I need to plug in to the immediate world around me.  I have no idea how to even go about doing THAT, but it'll come, I hope.  So much that needs to be done within the next three weeks just regarding my health insurance (full-time employment being a major life change, after all), and so much more to think about.  And not just think, do something about.

Oh, and P.S., just so it's out there too, if Mickey survives me, I want him to see my cadaver.  He's a smart cat, and being a hunter himself, he's got a pretty good understanding of the balance of life and death, at least I think so.  I want him to see my corpse so he understands that I'm not abandoning him, and that I really did love him up until the end.  And then have him go to my current landlords, Obaid and Freba.  They love him too, and he's quite friendly with them.  I know they'll continue to give him a loving home.  And maybe put a burr in their saddle to stop renting out their upstairs on Airbnb and move back in.